Why
Do Women Stay?
All too often the
question "Why do women stay in violent relationships?" is answered with a victim blaming attitude. Women victims of abuse
often hear that they must like or need such treatment, or they would leave. Others may be told that they are one of the many
"women who love too much" or who have "low self-esteem." The truth is that no one enjoys being beaten, no matter what their
emotional state or self image.
A woman’s
reasons for staying are more complex than a statement about her strength of character. In many cases it is dangerous for a
woman to leave her abuser. If the abuser has all of the economic and social status, leaving can cause additional problems
for the woman. Leaving could mean living in fear and losing child custody, losing financial support, and experiencing harassment
at work.
Although there is
no profile of the women who will be battered, there is a well documented syndrome of what happens once the battering starts.
Battered women experience shame, embarrassment and isolation. A woman may not leave battering immediately because:
• She realistically fears that the batterer will become more violent and maybe even fatal if she attempts to
leave;
• Her friends and family may not support her leaving;
• She knows the difficulties of single parenting in reduced financial circumstances;
• There is a mix of good times, love and hope along with the manipulation, intimidation and fear;
• She may not know about or have access to safety and support.
Barriers
to Leaving A Violent Relationship
Reasons why women
stay generally fall into three major categories:
Lack of
Resources:
• Most women have at least one dependent child.
• Many women are not employed outside of the home.
• Many women
have no property that is solely theirs.
• Some women lack access to cash or bank accounts.
• Women who leave fear being charged with desertion, and losing children and joint assets.
• A woman may face a decline in living standards for herself and her children.
Institutional
Responses:
• Clergy and secular counselors are often trained to see only the goal of "saving" the marriage at all costs,
rather than the goal of stopping the violence.
• Police officers often do not provide support to women. They treat violence as a domestic "dispute," instead of
a crime where one person is physically attacking another person.
• Prosecutors are often reluctant to prosecute cases, and judges rarely levy the maximum sentence upon convicted
abusers. Probation or a fine is much more common.
• Despite the issuing of a restraining order, there is little to prevent a released abuser from returning and
repeating the assault. Ñ Despite greater public awareness and the increased availability of housing for women fleeing violent
partners, there are not enough shelters to keep women safe.
Traditional
Ideology:
• Many women do not believe divorce is a viable alternative.
• Many women believe that a single parent family is unacceptable, and that even a violent father is better than
no father at all.
• Many women are socialized to believe that they are responsible for making their marriage work. Failure to
maintain the marriage equals failure as a woman.
• Many women become isolated from friends and families, either by the jealous and possessive abuser, or to hide
signs of the abuse from the outside world. The isolation contributes to a sense that there is nowhere to turn.
• Many women rationalize their abuser’s behavior by blaming stress, alcohol, problems at work, unemployment
or other factors.
• Many women are taught that their identity and worth are contingent upon getting and keeping a man.
• The abuser rarely beats the woman all the time. During the non-violent phases, he may
fulfill the woman’s dream of romantic love. She believes that he is basically a "good man." If she believes that she
should hold onto a "good man," this reinforces her decision to stay. She may also rationalize that her abuser
